I sat at the computer all that time, working at tedious and stressful things, in extreme discomfort and even pain. That is the dysfunctional pit that I used to get stuck in. I learned how to get out of it quite a long time ago, and even started taking a totally “different road” but suddenly this week I discovered that I had sleep-walked right back in there.

I am choosing to look at this setback as a growth challenge. I still have not walked, however I am prodding myself into active consciousness. These little lapses of self -discipline are a gentle reminder to me to open up to guidance – the Muse, higher power, whatever word works for you – because if it’s up to me to manage myself , I get too cerebral and mess things up. I begin to think that it’s up to me to figure it all out, and I literally drive myself crazy. And my art suffers. I can manage my art right into “dead”.

So I have dug myself back out of the pit, again, and I’m trying to find that different road once more.

Depending on my own will power and thought processes, I also produce a limited outcome. However, my personal creativity well seems to operate on a different system when I remember to lean into Spirit or the Muse. In that case, it more closely resembles the blessing of an artesian well. The more I tap into the source the more I fill up.

Lately, I have been focusing a portion of everyday on leaning in. Every workday morning before my husband heads off for work, I pick up a pen and expect a Daily Napkin to be written. I have committed myself to at least 15 minutes of pure joy painting every 24 hours. I always bring a sketch book with me, and take the time to draw over a cup of tea when out and about. This practice is expansive. The more I do, the more urge for creative expression arises. Sometimes I wonder how much joy I can handle.

Then begins the work of my craft – research. I seek out models from which to draw. I’ve got boxes of old cuttings from magazines and books that I started saving when I was quite young. I also have  photographs that I have taken throughout my life.

I’ve been known to photograph models which I have staged specifically for the image I am working on. I have a collection of many odd things I can construct models from and have even used myself in costume, or not. As a last resort, there are always models available online to determine the angle of something, or the way something is “put-together.” One of the biggest boons to my illustration work from the whole computer graphics thing  is the ease of cobbing together a composite model from which to draw. That is very helpful.

No matter how I get there, my favorite part is when the illustration gets to that sweet stage, where I’ve gotten to love the image through my pencil, pen, brush, mouse or tablet pen. Even if I really don’t care for the subject matter, I develop a love relationship with the image through the intimate interaction using whatever media fits the style I am to accomplish. That is grace blessing me in the process of allowing it to flow freely through me.

Actually, it not only doesn’t matter which media, or style, but it is the same for me, throughout all creative expressions. I remember first experiencing that sweetness when I did my first oil painting – a portrait of my feet – at 13.  I’ve felt it when singing, dancing, and preparing food.  The first time with type was on a Gateway computer, in the early 80′s. That type on the screen was so sweet, it curled the edges of my tongue. My favorite though, is the sweetness of a fully created image.  Oh, yum!

So, back to that web coding, and stuff like that.

Not long ago, I discovered Artisteer. It is a drag and drop web design tool that serves me really well.

I don’t know exactly what the block was, but I spent 2 years studying WordPress theme development, and I still couldn’t get it. I’m an intelligent person. I certainly purchased and read enough books to at least get a BA in WordPress, however I would have flunked out. No go. Then I found Artisteer. Voila!

In less than 1/2 an hour, I had designed a WordPress theme with custom graphics I had created for a client. It would easily have taken me two weeks on my own, and I am not sure that it would have functioned. Suddenly, I AM FREE to do what I am truly good at, without the struggle!

Somehow, through the ethers I guess, word got out that I could custom design for WordPress, and I got a new bunch of clients.

Even more exciting, I discovered that I could change into a template for here on Blogger, or a regular html site template with all the good css built right in. (How many hours did I pull at my hair in not so silent struggles learning that?!) Now I use Dreamweaver for the meta tagging and little tweaks that Artisteer may not include, but I develop the Look and Feel in Artisteer.

I have up til now avoided the affiliate thing, but I am sold on Artisteer, and they have a great affiliate program, so I signed up. If you are an artist/designer first, and a techno-geek last, check it out. I think you will be pleased.

Nowadays, I am doing what I love: my art, illustration and visual design!

Recently, my husband was trying to find a song to sing for a local church which he plays guitar and sings at once a month. It had to be about something specific: receiving. One of the napkins turned out to be about receiving, and I heard it as a song as I wrote it, but I didn’t mention that to him. Several people that he sends the napkin to asked him if it was a song, and he had perceived it as one as well, so he allwed it to cook, and ended up combining it with anothers day napkin into a really nice song. It was well-received when he played it. What a wonderful thing to collaborate like that!

I am really liking the results of allowing creative expression full rein. And my graphic design keeps improving as a result of the increased creative productivity too. Win win and all of that!

In one of her many interviews with other successful artrepreneurs, she introduced me to Ann Rea, another thriving artist. They both share the life-changing practice of doing daily diligence (my words) in your art. I make my living doing graphic design and illustration. I love what I do, and yet my heart, my center is in expression through fine art practices. I had gotten so busy doing my (graphics) work that I did not allow myself the (fine art) work time. So, I was touched deep inside reading the suggestion that I commit to a minimal amount of engaging in art practice every day. I am a changed woman, certainly a changed artist.

Ever since I made the promise to myself that I would paint or fully engage in another inspired creative endeavor for a minimum of 15 minutes everyday, things have been changing for me. First, it hardly ever ends at only 15 minutes, as once I am engaged in the process, I will stay there until I feel complete. I am developing a fresh body of work. I have started a whole new series of acrylic and mixed media paintings. It is my intention to have a major show at a gallery this year. And I will do it.

Second, the daily discipline opens up my creative thought processes so that I am much more engaged and effective in my graphic design work as well. As I read in The Artists Way and Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain years ago, tapping daily into the well of creativity will impact all areas of your life.  I am deeply grateful for the nudge back into the experiential remembrance of  this understanding.

That said, there is nothing like a simple meal of sliced apple and raw almond butter. No frills, nothing elaborate, still it fully satisfies the palate and the body. It is enough.

When I am creating with brush or pen, it is a process of joyous meditation. The lines and colors reveal themselves as I lean into the feeling of bliss. At the same time, it is a process of quiet discipline (even if the stereo is blasting and I am dancing through it), where every so often I pause, step back and check to see if it is enough.

There is a balance point. It is the artist’s journey to seek this pinnacle, and stop – at enough. Beyond it is too much. The beauty starts to fade as the paint becomes muddy. The mystery and grace can get lost in too much busy definition. Elegance can become jaded. Once I have watercolored or penned past this point of sufficiency, there is no traditional way to reclaim the original fresh beauty than to start all over with a whole new piece of paper.

In this regard, graphic design has been my redemption. Utilizing the magic qualities of Photoshop and Illustrator I can excerpt that exquisite portion from one painting, combine it with another painting, a photograph, texture, or some beautiful plain white space. Muddiness can be cleared up. Busyness can be eliminated. Simple elegance can be retrieved.
  

One of my Dad’s greatest legacies to all of his children was a sense of fearlessness when it comes to “fixing” things. I remember Dad literally fixing the car with a screw driver and a hammer. Who knows how far he would have gone in the computer world, given a few years leg up on the industry. When he was young (like 15) he wanted a job, so he told the guy at the dump truck company, “Sure, I’ve driven these things for years.” He got the job, and drove off in the dump truck. That was his full training in truck driving, at that point. He taught us that things make logical sense, and you can just rely on that. Anyway, as a result of  his attitude, I’ve always been willing to jump in and take something apart, figure it out, and “fix” it.

After I “fixed” that first computer, it’s been a non-stop stream of projects to “fix” when it comes to the use of my computer and my graphic design work. And if it wasn’t hardware that needed replacement, there’s been some software issues that needed tending. Unending… unending. Like the time last year when one of my clients had her website compromised, hacked, and plumbed chockfull of malware. OUCH!!

I fixed the site by taking the entire thing down, completely replacing the site with original files, changing all the passwords on everything I had access to, and  successfully re-submitted it to Google. Within a couple weeks, it was compromised again. I fixed the site again, and once more it happened. This time, however, my protections on my own computer became compromised. It took down my whole system. There are people who truly specialize in security and cleaning sites. I am NOT one of them. I suggested my client find one of them, as I am an artist, not a qualified code-wrangler.

There was something about the can-do attitude that doesn’t serve me in fulfilling my purpose, that doesn’t support me in being an artist. That has to do with an additional belief that I somehow tacked onto the can-do. That is: if I can-do I should-do. Finally, as I enter my time of being an elder, I have come to realize that if I tried to do everything I could do so thought I should do, I would never have time to even eat or sleep, let alone create art.

This last May, when Adobe CS5 was released, I was among the first to acquire it. (Oh, I am ever grateful for that!) These days I am concentrating my Can-Do on learning all the wonderful aspects of these creative tools, and working to “fix” my techniques of using them. No more shoulding on myself. Rather, I could, can and do what my heart tells me to.

I’m here to declare today, “Art IS my real job!” At the center of me is this creative spirit that can’t help but practice art every moment I am alive. Many, many years ago I performed my own ceremony. I dedicated myself, my life, my efforts, all of me, to serving God, Goddess, Spirit, Great Mystery (I use all of those words and more interchangeably because I know my little human brain is incapable of having a complete concept of True Source). When I turn to this source to give me guidance, to use me as an instrument, my little self steps out of the way of God doing His work – His Art. That is my real and only job.

So many times, on the road to coming to this epiphany, this realization of some kind of truth, I have spent many an hour denigrating my creative urge, being judgemental of my natural state of joy, discounting my innate calling to spread beauty.  What was I thinking? Too much, I suspect. Paying far too much attention to the loud voices without, rather than the small still voice within. Now that I have started to flip that around more often than not, I have truly come to realize that this is one of the most important understandings of this journey: art IS my real joy, uh, job!